Every time I ran from Him, I ended up at the front door, to only open it – and see Him standing in my doorway. I could never escape Him.

(continued from last nights blog)… I slept eyes wide open, but the mattress was too kind and after soaking half of my pillow with tears and flipping it to the other side, I must have drifted off because I woke up to the sun blaring in my eyes. Thinking what a bad nights sleep that was, I then instantly remembered. I remembered picking up the phone, so happy, no more than 24 hours ago, that summers afternoon, just getting home from work and taking a fresh shower and slipping into a sundress – I had just finished spritzing on my perfume, when I picked up the phone – and Joey told me that he wasn’t coming home – that he needed a break.

Sitting up and looking over at the clock, 6:25 AM. I had slept for less than three hours. My pillow was still wet and then I realized that what I thought had been a bad nights sleep, was reality. It was my reality. I had fallen asleep in my sundress. I didn’t want get out of bed and so I laid back down, feeling dizzy. I turned to the right and I grabbed the pillow that Joey would have been sleeping on and I embraced it so tightly. I was curled in a fetal position on my bed. I had just turned 30 years old and I knew that I had been through the ringer too many times. At that point, in that moment, I was damaged goods and I knew it. I knew that I was two steps away from selling my soul to the devil to get rid of the pain that I was feeling in that moment or that I was going to be on my way to sainthood by trying to get through this – because I could no longer take what God was dealing to me in my life. I couldn’t do it anymore and every time I would say I couldn’t do it – I knew that I was going to keep moving forward – but this time – this time – I was a different kind of tired. I thought about my kids and I thought about how I really probably wasn’t being the best kind of mother that I could’ve been because in reality, sometimes I felt like that little girl standing in front of my bed when I was seven trying to change the channel in my head to make everything stop. To make the screaming and yelling of my parents stop. To stop the sounds of the things being thrown in the kitchen, to wanting to hear and praying for tornadoes to go through because there was a cyclone in my life every day and there was never a time of peace and here I was 23 years later, I still had no peace. I was still struggling. I was still suffering. I was still waiting on that promise that God showed me when I was 17 years old. I wanted to call out to God in that moment, “Where are You? Are You really real? Have I been taken for? Are You a fantasy God? Are You someone that just makes people feel better, to get through a bad day like my bad day right now?” I wanted to ask Him all of those questions, but I didn’t want Him to answer me because I didn’t want to hear the truth. Because every time that I did pray for an answer, I got it and He was always right and I knew what He would tell me to do in that moment and I didn’t want to do it. I reasoned with myself that He lied to me again. He let me down again. I’m here again crouched, crying again God. Will it never stop God? It will never stop, right God? When is it ever going to stop? Because how much more God? How much more?! I was so angry with God. I was so angry with Him! I was alone again. I was alone. I was alone because I wanted to be alone and I cried so badly because the pain was too much. I could smell his aftershave on the pillow and I embraced it because I was so confused because I didn’t understand what was going on. The man that had just made love to me that morning and as we kissed each other goodbye he said that he would see me that afternoon for a dinner that we had planned while his mother was going to take the kids for us.

For 13 years, I awoke and fell asleep next to my husband. But this morning, this morning I was waking up to a new reality I did not think I would ever experience. When Joey and I first met, we spoke about our lives. He told me about his life and I told him very little about mine. The only thing I told him was about my father and mother, explaining to him that my fathers extramarital affair did irreversible damage to my mother, when what I wanted to really tell him was that while it did irreversible damage to her, it’s damage to me was beyond my own comprehension.

I would’ve rather my mother been suffocating me again, causing me to die than to have lived through an affair. You see I was that woman who just would make everything work. It didn’t matter what it was – give me a challenge and watch me rise to the top. I was the woman that would wear white gloves while putting Ketchup on a burger. I would just make it work, and I was truly flawless every time. As a child, when your innocence is taken away from you, again, and again, and again, in every kind of abuse that a child can endure, you learn construction in destruction, you learn to build your foundations out of tungsten. But this time, this morning, I didn’t have the welts from my mothers beating from the night before. No. I didn’t have anything to feel and that was the scariest thing to me in the world because I was left with my rawness. I was left with the truth that I gave a man 13 years of my life and during those 13 years of our life, there was more chaos than there was peace. Our first date did not work out as Joey had to work late that evening and no call to tell me that he could not make it. Our second date would not be because his parents had taken away his car from him and he wasn’t allowed out – no call and the third date, I believe that he knew that he was about to lose me and I believe I learned something about myself that day as well too.

I had just turned 17 years old. We were working together for several weeks but never spoke to each other. One of his friends came up to me one day and told me that there was a guy who was interested in me and was wondering if I was dating anyone.

I wanted to laugh and tell him to tell Joey that I was only steps away from entering into a Convent, but I didn’t say that, because I remembered sitting in that first pew and talking to God and understanding that I was going to marry and that I was going to have children and that I was not going to have what I wanted but I was going to have what He needed me to have. I also understood that the choice would be mine to either decide to walk with God or to go down my own path and while the rebellion in me walked away from God – it seems – 1000 times – down my own path …He would never leave me. I tried to run from Him. Every time I ran from Him, I ended up at the front door, to only open it – and to see Him standing in my doorway. I could never escape God. He was always Present. Always right there. I always felt His Presence. I could shun Him and He just would not leave me and I felt angry in that moment, lying in that bed, I felt angry that He was there because I didn’t understand how can you love someone so much and see them go through so much hurt and not try to stop it. It was nonsensical. God knows that I am His feisty daughter and He knows that I fight Him on everything and then He knows I love Him like anything and He knows I would go to each corner of the earth and slay every demon for Him, and we have always had that kind of a relationship. The broken girl in love with Jesus. The Love of her life, hanging on a Crucifix, just as bloodied and broken as she was. My Bloodied King with The Crown of Jewels, shining so brightly, reflecting what is to come, cover me, complete me.

Jesus is the only Man that can break me and hurt me so badly with a clear understanding that pain is part of breaking myself of my own will – to conform to His.

I got out of bed and went into the bathroom. Looking at myself in the mirror, the eyes that were in the mirror were reflecting a woman’s soul that was nonexistent.

I started having flashbacks when I was in high school and being judged by girls who didn’t even know me. I was being judged because of the way that I looked. Because of the way that God made me. I never understood that. How can another woman judge another woman by the way that she looks and they don’t even know who she is? Because she put some make up on and she dresses nice? When was that ever a crime? And so I suffered in every area of my life because when I tried to have friends all was well until their boyfriend would meet me and I was always respectful. I wasn’t stupid, I knew what I was dealing with. I grew up with a mother that lived it and dealt with the same exact thing but she took it to the extreme wrong while I took it to the other extreme trying to avoid any of my friends boyfriends and sometimes it would work out, and sometimes it would not. And when it would work out it would be great and when it was bad, it was bad. I was in high school one day, walking with my friend and I hear coming from behind me “You’re a disease, Brian.” I turned around to look and this girl was making a scene because her boyfriend was staring at me with his friends and he turned around and told her, “and she’s my cure.” So even though I did nothing to provoke – I couldn’t have friends because even that was tainted by who people thought I was.

At the age of 13, a man who was 21 took my innocence away while he held a butcher knife to my neck and I have to wonder if it was part of a generational curse because the same exact thing happened to my mother at the same age but she ended up pregnant and having a child and then giving the child up for adoption. I did not become pregnant, but what would follow for years to come would be difficult.  The person who did this to me was brought to justice.

My mother taught me about being a lady, but she never taught me how to protect myself, how to look out for certain signs and my father did not either. I was left alone to figure those things out on my own. I trusted too easily. This man who did this would tell me that he didn’t believe that I was that young because I was too beautiful to be only 13, but I was only 13 and I was always told since I was young that I looked older than I was as a teenager and as I’m older – looking younger than I am as an adult. The same thing that my mother dealt with. I couldn’t escape anything in life it seemed because I looked like my mother, I was abused by my mother, I was abused by my mother up until the day that she passed away. My mother taught me without telling me how a young girl was really supposed to be. And I learned it by watching every single thing that she did and I made sure to do the opposite of that. I was 11 years old, in the McDonald’s parking lot with my mother. We had just finished playing with the balls inside of the McDonald’s little gym area. I was so happy to have my happy meal cheeseburger and my favorite thing in the meal that day was A little pony and I knew I was going to be adding that pony to the corral with the rest of my other pony’s.

All of my Chapstick was taken off by my cheeseburger happy meal. And so before I got into the car with my mother, I took out my cherry Chapstick and my strawberry shortcake mirror and I began to put my Chapstick on as I was looking in the mirror. As I was done, I looked up and I saw my mother looking at me and she was smiling. I wasn’t too much shorter than my mother but she was still taller than me so she was looking into my eyes and smiling. And I knew that smile because that was an admiration smile that I would only see once in a while and that was when she was looking at something that she was happy with. “Honey, look over there. “Mom said. I raised my eyes to see what Mom was looking at and mom was looking at two men that were outside of a truck. I looked and they looked like my dad’s age. I looked back at my mom and was quizzical and she said, “Honey, they are looking at you because you’re putting on your Chapstick, they like that.” I was 11 and I knew that what she was saying was not right because those men looked the age of my dad and I looked at my mother with caring eyes because I was already in the stage of protecting her, as I had seen her go through several bipolar episodes and I understood at the age of 11 to not take account of what it is that she was saying.

From that moment on, something in me changed to be sure that I would always dress as conservatively as I could. I was in the fifth grade, Mrs. Netos class and I used to get to school early so I could help the teacher get the class work assignments ready. I absolutely loved being in the classroom and being with my teacher and helping her to get everything prepped for the day. And she was so kind to me and she had so much patience for me. And I remember the people in my life that had patience for me. I remember when times got hard with my mother she was one of the teachers that I was able to confide in and I remember she was the only teacher that I was able to cry in front of. For me to cry in front of somebody, it was a vulnerability to me and I either crucified myself afterwards for being vulnerable or I thanked God that He allowed me to be vulnerable in that moment but it was always black-and-white, there was no gray area. I either trusted or I didn’t.

As the students walked into the classroom, my back was turned and I was standing in front of the taupe tall steel cabinet. I was sorting the paperwork to get them stapled and I heard one of my friends say, “Is that a substitute teacher?” I was not a substitute teacher but they thought I was because of the way that I dressed. After that incident happened with my mother I made decisions to do everything to not be anything like her -especially when I knew that what she was doing was wrong. When I heard my friends say that, in my heart, I had already known that I wanted to be a teacher from a young age. To be able to teach somebody something they never knew before, whether that be a skill, or a poem, or if somebody just needed to know their worth, I was there, because I had a storehouse of love to give and I had a shipyards storage for everybody’s grievances so I would give and then take. I would give and then I would take and I would walk away always taking something from them and carrying it with me to lighten their load.

I could never lighten my own load in life. And I was faced with this reality.

I walked back into the bedroom and opened up Joey’s bureau drawer and under his socks I found a card for a divorce lawyer.

…. to be continued.

Sister Saint-Pierre

For our final considerations, we will discuss how Sister Saint-Pierre served as a precursor and foundation to Our Lady’s visitations at Fatima. For the sake of brevity, we limit our focus to three points.

First: Our Lord [to Sister Saint-Pierre] and Our Lady of Fatima both warned of the need for prayer and penance for the salvation of souls.

Our Lord showed Sister Saint-Pierre “the multitude of souls falling into Hell “and told her to “pray -fervently” for their conversion. He gave her the Golden Arrow prayer, pledging it as a “torrent of grace” for sinners.

Likewise, Our Lady of Fatima showed the children the vision of Hell. Likewise, Our Lady of Fatima showed the children the vision of Hell. She then said: “You have seen Hell where the souls of poor sinners go. To save them, God wishes to establish in the world devotion to My Immaculate Heart.”

From the book: Revelations Of The Holy Face Of Jesus by John Vennari

Smoke Of Satan

Bella Dodd’s prediction also coincides with the violent wave that hit the Church in the 1960s, due to the progressivism and ecumenism of the Second Vatican Council, which continues to disfigure our religion to this hour. For these and other reasons, I think we may consider Our Lord’s revelations on Reparation to the Holy Face as a veiled prophecy of the present crisis of Faith. And practicing this devotion, I believe, is a special means of making reparation to Our Lord for the outrages He suffers in our time. It might, perhaps, even give us special graces to be faithful unto death to the traditional teaching and practice in the Church during this period of – in the words of Fatima’s Sister Lucy – “diabolic disorientation” of the upper hierarchy. And even if this devotion does not give us these graces automatically, we can certainly ask for them in our prayers to the Holy Face. Our Lord has given us great hope in one of the Nine Promises:

“Nothing that you ask in making this offering [of His Holy Face] will be refused to you.”

To cap off this section on the present crisis in the Church, there is one last quotation from Our Lord of special relevance.

On February 13, 1848, in one of the final messages given to Sister Saint-Pierre, Our Lord made the urgent plea: “The Church is threatened by a fearful tempest, pray, pray!”

The writers at the time interpreted this as a prediction of the suffering the Church underwent during the 19th Century revolutions in France and Italy. But in light of the above considerations, this prediction seems to apply even more to the ongoing crisis of Faith since the Second Vatican Council. Because indeed, the Church is now going through a “fearful tempest.”

Even Pope Paul VI had to admit in 1972 that “the smoke of satan has entered the Church of God.”

Tragically, everything in the Church has become even more disfigured since Paul VI uttered these terrifying words.

From the book: The Revelations Of The Holy Face Of Jesus

Many Remain Fixed in Misleading, Historically Conditioned Interpretations of Our Lady’s Words

Many Remain Fixed in Misleading, Historically Conditioned Interpretations of Our Lady’s Words

Interpreting the Message in this fashion has led to the tendentious and dogmatized belief that the matters dealt with in the Message and most specifically what is dealt with in the July 13 Secret are matters that, as Cardinal Sodano maintained, “seem to pertain to the past.“ One wonders if he was gazing into a crystal ball when the thought struck him, since such a blunt statement at that would require definite knowledge of future events, yet Cardinal Sodano has never claimed any special prophetic gift. This sort of arbitrary and overly simplistic understanding of the terms and the false conclusion they led to, might have been justified if the errors of Marxist- Leninist Russia had somehow risen from a pipe directly from the pit of Hell straight up into the Bolshevist headquarters in Moscow, only to be brought to an abrupt end with the implosion of the Soviet Union in 1991.

But the Soviet. It did not come into being and subsequently end in such a simple manner.

The Fatima Crusader

Summer 2011

Our Lady Spoke Of “Russia’s Errors” Not Just One Error

Our Lady Spoke Of “Russia’s Errors” Not Just One Error

On Friday, July 13, 1917, Our Lady Fatima revealed that if Her requests are fufilled then Russia will be converted and there will be peace. On the other hand, if Her requests are not fulfilled, then there will be war, famine and persecution of the Church – there will be martyrdom, persecution of the Pope and the annihilation of nations. It is especially important that the words spoken by Our Lady be understood in a manner that is not circumscribed according to a historically restricted frame of mind that existed during the Soviet period of the Twentieth Century. Our Lady never spoke of `atheistic Communism’ or the `Soviet Union’; yet since during the Soviet period and especially during the Cold War the expression ‘errors of Russia’ was narrowly interpreted to mean ‘atheistic Communism’ and `Russia’ was interpreted as strictly denoting do union of Soviet Socialist Republics, these historically conditioned interpretations continue to stubbornly remain fixed in the minds of many who have attempted to understand what Our Lady meant by the term ‘errors of Russia’.

The Fatima Crusader

Issue 99


How About You and Me?

How about you and me? As we go on our unremembered way down here in this valley of tears, how real has the Lord become for you and me? Have we discovered Him to be what He is – Our changeless friend, the companion of our exile, the lover of our soul, Our Father and Our God? Surely, if you and I believe what we say we believe, we cannot begin a day without some thought of Him. The new day, freshly minted from His Hand, in love, to you and me, given us so that we may discover Him. And He’s in us, wanting to share all the trivia of our waking hours, wanting to be part of everything. Is there something in your day or mine from which He is to be excluded?

From the book: Reflections With Father Leo Clifford

Useful Reflections On Why God Wants Specifically Russia Consecrated

Useful Reflections On Why God Wants Specifically Russia Consecrated

Before we examine the question of whether or not the Consecration of Russia has been validly performed in the manner specifically requested by Our Lady, and pointing out the fallacies in the arguments of those who contend that it has been performed, it will be useful to examine why it is that Our Lady requests specifically the Consecration of Russia and not the whole world or some other nation that on the surface and from a spatially and temporarily circumscribed perspective may appear to be more in need of such a consecration.

From the moral perspective this question can really only be examined speculatively, since it would be presumptuous and hypocritical for anyone to require God and Our Lady to justify and explain, as a basis and prerequisite for obedience, why They are making this specific request. Such behavior would be analogous to that of a child who would refuse to obey the command of a parent unless the parent would provide a satisfactory explanation to the child why it is being so commanded.

That would be an attitude of rebellion, insubordination and disobedience. Just as parents usually respond to such insubordinate demands of their children for explanations to the question “Why? “By saying: “Because I said so! “, so likewise God, whose authority is infinitely more offended by such rebellious insubordination, has declined to provide any more information than is needed for the pastors of the Church to reasonably obey and carry out the requested Consecration of Russia with a sufficiently informed conscience. Nevertheless, it is useful for our understanding to examine the question.

Fatima Crusader

Summer 2011

Issue 99

Lock, Stock and Barrel

More testimony from Bella Dodd came from an eye witness, an acquaintance of mine, now deceased, who actually heard Bella Dodd speak in the early 1950s.

Bella Dodd said that the Communists, at that point (1950s), had their men in the highest places in the Catholic Church. These men were working to bring about change so that the Church would no longer be effective against Communism. In the early 1950s, describing the changes that would take place in the future, Bella Dodd predicted “in 10 or 15 years, you will not recognize the Catholic Church. “

She explained that the tactic was to destroy not the institution of the Church, but rather the Faith of the people, and to even use the institution of the Church, if possible, to destroy the Faith through the promotion of a pseudo religion – something that resembles Catholicism, but is not quite the real thing.

Mrs. Dodd also claimed that the Communists were a driving force for the United Nations, and that the Communist owned the World Council Of Churches “lock, stock and barrel.” This is especially noteworthy since the world Council of Churches was a pioneer in “dialogue” and ecumenism. The World Council of Churches boasts that it is “the most nearly comprehensive instrument in the ecumenical movement in the world today.”

From the book: The Revelations Of The Holy Face Of Jesus by John Vennari

This Policy of Infiltrating Seminaries was successful beyond even our Communist expectations.

Mr. Manning Johnson, gave similar testimony. In 1953, to the House Un-American Activities committee, he said: “ Once the tactic of infiltration of religious organizations was set by the Kremlin … The Communists discovered that the destruction of religion could proceed much faster through the infiltration of the Church by Communists operating within the Church itself.”

He then stated, “This policy of infiltrating seminaries was successful beyond even our Communist expectations. “

It is probably no coincidence that at the same time Mr. Johnson gave this testimony, the French Dominicans had become so Communistic in their orientation that in 1953, the Order barely escaped dissolution by command of Pope Pius XII.

From the book: The Revelations Of The Holy Face Of Jesus by John Vennari

Holy Poverty

My daughters must believe that it is for their own good that the Lord has enabled me to realize in some small degree what blessings are to be found in holy poverty. Those of them who practice it will also realize this, though perhaps not as clearly as I do; for, although I had professed poverty, I was not only without poverty of spirit, but my spirit was devoid of all restraint. Poverty is good and contains within itself all the good things in the world. It is a great domain – I mean that he who cares nothing for the good things of the world has dominion over them all. What do kings and Lord’s matter to me if I have no desire to possess their money, or to please them, if by doing so I should cause the least displeasure to God? And what do their honors mean to me if I have realized that the chief of a poor man consists in his being truly poor?

From the book: The Way Of Perfection Saint Teresa Of Avila